Using AI Image Generators to express ‘Drawn Memories’
Although AI image generators continue to be controversial for a variety of reasons (and for certain, I agree with them), I can’t help but feel that if anything, they provide an opportunity to ‘anyone’ from ‘any’ background to create meaningful images that they otherwise couldn’t. Let’s take a moment to think about the 'reality of producing such photographs. It would mean sourcing a location that resembles the one I want to express. I revisited my childhood home, it has since been renovated; the wall paper gone, the stone features inside removed, the carpet gone. The space lost it’s meaning. Even if I were to find a space similar, then managing permissions to photograph inside them brings more challenges. Then there are the people, the adults, the children and the dog. All of this would involve hiring models, all of which would require finances that I simply don’t have access to.
I can’t draw, I’m useless at it, I get frustrated by it and I have no patience for it. Whilst this explains my sway to photography, one of the frustrations I have with photography is the inability to be able to photograph the past. It’s impossible - only the precise moment can be captured, not a moment before and not a moment after. And yet inside my mind there exists a whole host of visual material that in my world, cannot be fully expressed. This is frustrating, beyond an annoyance. It’s that frustration that draws me to AI images. My ‘Drawn Memories’ served as an attempt to bring them into the light, but since I have no ability for drawing, they exist as diagrams of places. As diagrams, they feel empty, void of the strength and the weight of the visual memories that are contained with them.
AI image generators have provided an opportunity to bring those visual memories to light. So what does this AI image represent?
Firstly, it’s purposefully ‘photographic’. I experimented with pen and ink styles which to some degree I felt were successful but they lacked that certain ‘reality’ that a photographic style provides. That sense, that feeling of reality is important to me. Let’s look at the various elements inside of this image all of which interact with each other.
The Boy.
The boy sits on the carpet, playing with something that’s intended to represent ‘Lego’. It’s difficult to tell what his emotional state is, but it is intended for him to express something of a sadness. He has red hair which is intended to represent something of my own hair in childhood. Therefore, the boy is a representation of myself. Although not guided by myself, he faces away from both the TV and the window.
The TV.
Rendering the TV in the AI image was admittedly annoying. The TV in my memory did not feature aerials such as this, but I can accept that, not everything can be perfect but it can be ‘good enough’. The TV itself closely resembles the one I remember but not precisely, a detail that again I can accept. What is specifically important in my memory is that the TV shows a football match. My Father used to enjoy watching a TV Show called, ‘Grandstand’. I never had any interest in this. I’ve never had an interest in sports and so programmes featuring football bored me. Hence the importance of the boy focusing on the Lego rather than the TV. The adult in this image represents my Father as he watches the TV.
The Father.
The Father, my Father, stands with an ironing board and iron. Although it was intended for him to actually be ‘ironing clothes’, the AI image generator struggled constantly to do this so again, this is an aspect of the image that’s not fully present that I have to accept. And I do, I’m okay with it, it’s enough. He’s focused on the TV whilst ironing.
The Window.
The window is a key feature of the memory and so for me, of the image itself. The sunlight beams through the window and spills into the living room. As it dances on the carpet the boy sits on, it suggests to me that there’s something enticing about it. And yet the boy sits with his back to it, too focused on the Lego. It also suggests that it’s warm outside, perhaps it’s summer. It’s a nice day, a time to play out. Outside the window we can see some other children who appear to be playing. There’s a contrast here, they are outside playing whilst the boy remains seated on the carpet.
The Dog.
The dog is as close to a representation of my pet dog from childhood as I could get. The dog sits closer to my Father than to me. That’s a key element here; the dog connects closer to my Father than to myself.
The Living Room.
The living room as a space is as close to reality and memory as I could achieve. It features a stone fireplace with a clock above it. There’s another clock on the mantle that was intended to be a carriage clock, but it was difficult to get the AI to render this. There’s a few paintings hung up on the wall that aren’t in the precise location. But for the memory that it’s meant to represent, all the other key features fit into place very well. The location of the sofas, the coffee table, the carpet, the fireplace, the TV and the window.
The Memory.
In my memory, every weekend I would spend time at home in the living room with my Father. He would be ironing and watching TV. I always remember the TV had to be on the lowest possible volume. Silence was a huge priority for him since my Mother, who worked night shifts was asleep upstairs. I would entertain myself by playing with toys such as Lego on the floor. Although I enjoyed this I would sometimes find myself experiencing bouts of frustration when whatever I wanted to build didn’t work out. I knew that I had to adhere to the strict rule of silence within this space, otherwise I’d risk angering my Dad. To manage these feelings of frustration, I would turn my back to my Dad and bite my hand as hard as I could. Our pet dog was here too. She would move between the Living room and the kitchen. I recall a time when she barked once and my Dad responded, in my memory, rather aggressively by picking her up and throwing her back into the kitchen. His desire to ensure silence was that severe. The key to this memory however is the connection between the my Dad and the children playing outside. My Dad would often make comments about the loudness of outside noises. Even as I child I recognised that you cannot control outside noises whatever they may be, and yet he’d chunter under his breath in disgust and annoyance at such sounds. Once, some of the children came knocking on the back door where the kitchen was asking if I wanted to come out and play. I immediately felt myself lighting up as this is exactly what I wanted to do. My Father immediately shut them down and instead chastised them for making such a noise from knocking on the door in the first place. They were sent on their way, and I was back to playing in the living room in this world of silence.
Of course, memories are complicated, and ultimately they are entirely individual. Looking outside of my own experience, I can understand that my Dad’s desire to ensure such regimented silence was an expression of love and care for my Mother. All he wanted to do was ensure that she had a comfortable, calm and above all quiet, ideally silent environment to sleep in during the day.
However, I continually find myself returning to this memory time and time again, even now. The sadness I felt as not being allowed to go out and play with the other children continues to haunt me, I’ve never let it go. I sometimes wonder why this is, why I still hold onto this painful experience. I sometimes feel that it’s in the strength of that emotion I felt at the time, that disappointment, perhaps even rejection, and the subsequent feeling of loneliness and isolation that came after it. Although I could say that I experienced something similar in other contexts in childhood such as at school, I sometimes feel that this memory persists because it was not only the first real time I felt it, but the point at which i felt it the strongest.
The Outcome.
Whilst the idea stemmed from being able to ‘photograph the past’, I feel this is more about ‘reconstructing the past’, but in a specific way that resembles something photographic rather than drawn or painted for example. The photographic style makes the memory feel far more real than anything else. Enough of the key features of the image are there, enough to represent the memory, enough to represent the emotion. There’s a feeling of success, of achievement too, but also something ‘final’ about it that feels much stronger than the ‘Drawn Memory’ ever did. The ‘Drawn Memory’, with it’s diagram-like representation was useful in that it provided access to some memories that I’d even forgotten about, but it always felt a bit further removed from the reality of the experience, perhaps even a little cold and so feeling as if it was closer to something more objective, scientific even; a study. This final AI image however, presents something that’s not only realistic but believable too. It also externalises the memory and the feeling of it. I find that especially true in the way that the boy has his back turned to my Father, my dog and the window with the children outside, but more than that, his back to the sun. It’s warmth only felt on his back whilst his focus remains on the Lego, more a source of frustration that contrasts with the fun the children seemingly have as they play outside. ‘Seeing’ something closer to reality also draws me to other questions too. For example, my Sister was younger than me, where was she in this memory? I presume she was out playing. This strongly suggests that I had the opportunity to go out and play with the others, and yet I didn’t. I clearly wanted to. I strongly remember the feeling of when they came knocking at the door asking for me. It was the feeling of being ‘wanted’, the idea that the made the effort to come and look for me, that was the key part of the feeling. And so perhaps, what this ultimately reveals is something of an attachment style, one that would continue to prevail throughout not only childhood, but adolescence and through adulthood to my late twenties and even early thirties.